Surviving PSLE – both parent and child

I write this in the thick of PSLE madness as I try to retain some shred of sanity for both parent and child.

I like to think of myself as a ‘chill’ parent (but you can tell me what you think). As a friend wisely said, “Do not believe what they say, but watch what they do”. People in my circumstances can say what they want, but as always, the proof is in the doing. For myself, I would say that my actions do cohere with what I purport to be, given the following:

• I have not taken any leave to help my kid with PSLE revision this entire year, including on Prelims and PSLE paper days.
• My kid does no academic work on Sundays (as we are Sabbath-observing Christians) for the past years, except for a couple of rare occasions that I can count on one hand (that are not the day before an exam paper either)

However, my kid does have tuition (Chinese – since P1 in a group setting, Math and Science – only since P6, tutor being my cousin-in-law) and is expected to some practice work daily, if homework doesn’t take up all her time.

So on balance, I would say that I am at least “median-chill” amongst all Singaporean parents, if not below-median.

But everything is on a spectrum, and I’m sure ‘chill’ is subjective, especially as the pace heats up over the year.

Inspired by a post

To remind myself to keep a good sense of perspective, I read this post by Joanna Koh-Hoe recently. Written when she was CEO of Focus on the Family, it had many good points, and inspired me to write my own post. (Incidentally, Joanna was also the cheery podcast host of a podcast I did with them less than a year ago.)

Pressure everywhere

We have always tried to be conscious of, and avoid worshipping the idol of academic success. Such idolatry is unfortunately extremely prevalent in Christian circles, if not disproportionately so, since Christians tend to be middle-income and above in Singapore.

Even the most well-meaning and balanced seniors (aged 55 and above) immediately quip “oh PSLE year!” when they find out that the kid is 12 this year. It is so deeply ingrained in the Singapore psyche, that no one can acknowledge a 12 year old without making reference to the exam of the year.

So much as we try to de-emphasise the exam, and live counter-culturally, the subtle, sub-conscious pressure on all fronts is tangible. I like to say to everyone who would hear me out (usually parents of younger kids) that “Yes the PSLE is important, but it cannot be the all-encompassing thing in the life of a family for that year.” Becoming utterly obsessed by it is unhealthy to say the least, and is certainly not a good testimony of a Christian whose aim and destiny is a kingdom beyond the present. And as always, our actions speak louder than any words we can spout.

So indeed, we have to be extra conscious of our daily speech (not to mention body language and facial expressions), not to always dwell on one topic. Rather, age 12 is a year where many other things take place, where CCA competitions are held, friendship problems between classmates emerge and abate, where we grapple with hormones that manifest itself in complexion issues and so on. There are church bible topics to discuss, and current affairs to make sense of too.

This is undeniably an important exam, and it would be hypocritical to say it is not. But let’s actively ensure that it does not loom larger than it should, and does not take the place of seeking God’s kingdom first in our lives. It is just so easy to slide down the slippery slope of losing sleep and skipping church all for the sake of squeezing every last ounce of energy into performing well for the PSLE.

Positive re-framing

What I really liked from Joanna’s article was this (which I have adapted):

When they celebrated the end of the exams, Joanna presented her son with her own PSLE certificate, which marked his efforts in:

Purpose: Seeking God’s will in your life, such as praying for wisdom on which secondary school to go to

Self-discipline: Acquiring intrinsic motivation and discipline in all areas of life, not just studies

Learning: Understanding that school is principally about being curious and finding out more about the world that God has made

Experience: Gaining life lessons, building resilience and finding joy in perseverance through this whole journey

Surviving as a parent

Ultimately, the PSLE is not just a journey for the kids, but a milestone in our parenting journey as well. Many a time, I had to reflect and ask – What kind of a parent do I want to be? What kind of values and priorities do I want to model through this invaluable opportunity to practice what I preach?

Given that they are only 12, most times we still have to set the tone and pace of what takes place in the year. How we react to their successes and (more importantly) failures, will mean volumes.

As Joanna mentioned, instead of planning every day around the PSLE, we should consciously have conversations about life, and what amazing things God is doing in our lives and the lives of those around us, not least friends of all ages in our church community. And the many many things and circumstances that we can give thanks to God for, daily.

Something I have had to be a lot more conscious about, is not bringing up the topic with my friends, especially if they have a “PSLE kid”. As someone who is naturally very chatty and a social creature, I love commiserating with my pals, and finding out what goes on in other schools.

As the year wore on, I decided the best thing I could do for myself and society was to make it more of a non-event but simply not talking about it first. Many times, someone else would ask me how my kid is doing, and then I have to really try to draw deep from within and speak from conviction on how things truly are. Most times, we are just simply trying to just ride through this journey and emerge as unscathed as possible.

And whatever our take, time marches on. That’s merciful to me, cos non-event or not, I would certainly like it to be over, so we can get on with our lives!

Come what may, we will pray the serenity prayer, and trust that whatever God ordains is right.

Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

– Philippians 4:6-7