Like so many around the world, I had watched episodes of “19 kids and counting” with a mixture of wonder and disbelief. Later, I heard about how things were unravelling but did not follow what was happening closely.
I knew there were some Christian circles in the USA that believed in having as large a quiver full of children as they could, but when I was watching the series, it did not occur to me that they were an IBLP family.
I was not an IBLP daughter per se, but I learnt IBLP teaching in Singapore and agreed with most of it, including the “IBLP umbrella principle”. In my late teens and early twenties, I attended IBLP annual conferences (again in Singapore) for a few years and even taught Sunday School based on their “Character First” curriculum.
Actually, much of it made sense, and I never felt as scarred and crippled by the teaching, as compared to Jill. That was likely because it was just 10% of all the doctrine I imbibed in a year, as opposed to Jill growing up with daily reminders of every principle that organisation subscribed to.
For instance, the “umbrella principle” might sound sexist at first, where a child is initially under the “umbrella” of his/her parent, (an authority / headship that’s mainly meant to protect) and then when married, a lady would be under the “umbrella” of her husband, who would love and protect her. This was a metaphor that brought across the concept rather effectively, I thought.
And the Bible does teach that children should honour their parents and subject themselves to their authority and leading (as well as to earthly governmental authorities), and wives to the loving headship of their husbands. Where IBLP went wrong, was going too far to think that following a strict set of outward rules would suffice when what was truly needed was to govern the inward heart.
Of course, Bill Gothard was also wrong in so many other nasty evil ways, and I am glad he was exposed and got his just deserts.
I did not know about the incident of Jill and 4 other sisters’ private testimonies to the authorities being exploited in tabloids and wished they could have gotten justice. Nonetheless, as believers, we know the perpetrators of evil will be accountable at the final reckoning.
I wasn’t sure how I’d find this book, since memoirs by reality TV stars are often too sensational. However, as I read this book, I was thoroughly touched by how gentle and fair Jill tried to be in telling her side of the story.
Certainly, it is still one side of the story, but I felt that she portrayed her parents with an even hand, emphasising many times in the book that they truly loved their children, and genuinely believed that the TV series was a ministry, especially in the earlier years.
“They loved us, and they never ceased to take an opportunity to show us that love in action.
It’s one thing to give a kid a drill and show them how to put rivets in a partition wall, it’s a whole other level for a kid to have those parents invite them in to share the God-given task of telling the world about how great it is to grow up in a Christian home.
So, yes, I am grateful. But I am also realistic. There is much that I can look back on and smile, but I picked up some wounds along the way. It’s like roses and thorns, justice and grace. You can recognize the beauty and happy parts of your story while also recognizing the more two can coexist.“
Although the extent of stretching parental authority post-marriage in the Duggar family might seem extreme to most Americans, it got me thinking of how this was similar in most Asian families, without Christianity or IBLP coming into the picture.
Honouring one’s parents to the extent of not explicitly going against their wishes till the day they die is simply known as “filial piety” in Asian or Chinese culture. And many Asian kids still grapple with this today, as it is very much the expected norm. How much more this must weigh upon a child if that parent is Asian plus an IBLP parent (I personally know at least one family – though they have sons instead of daughters and thus the umbrella analogy is less applicable).
Although Jill felt it to an unhealthy extent (guilt and fear), she managed to extricate herself slowly but surely. Healthy boundaries is certainly an important step.
I felt truly glad for Jill when I read her lines below – indeed studying the Bible carefully and interpreting it well was so much more important than just following a list of rules.
“Growing up, having the world divided into thou shalls and thou shalt nots by Pops or IBLP ideology made life appear easier. I had grown up believing that if I just followed the rules, I would be okay.
Instead of just getting Derick to decide for me, I thought over our conversation and decided to pray and study the issue more myself.”
“The more we had talked and prayed about sending Israel to public school, the clearer the issue became for me: IBLP had put a lot more energy into teaching me to fear the world beyond its doors than it had put into teaching me to trust God and discern for myself how to reach a good and wise decision on any given issue.”
She is so deeply blessed to have married a godly man Derick (which we should not forget was introduced to her by her dad, even though Derick was not from an IBLP family) who stood up for her and who stands by her, clearly discerning which is “a hill to die on” and which need not be.
What touched me the most was that she still holds strongly to her faith, and managed to find a loving church family – God has indeed held her fast. The miracle of her second child’s healing was also faith-strengthening indeed, not just for her but for all of us who read of it. After that traumatic childbirth, that the bleeding in his brain could heal with no trace – hallelujah, praise be to God!
I was also touched by the fact that both Jill and her parents repeatedly apologised to each other, though some instances were more sincere than others. And even after repeated episodes of deep hurt, they still reached out to one another, expressed love for the other, and never cut themselves off completely. And that in itself is a strong testimony.
God allows us to testify for Him in myriad ways. And many times, far more effective than reaching millions via a reality programme (which intrudes more pervasively than it seems, and results in permanent loss of privacy and anonymity) is the testimony of a memoir that He is still infinitely good despite human sin.
Facebook Comments